My father was a kind man. He was also strict and unyielding.
Growing up, I loved his kindness but found the other bits more challenging. As a teenager trying to find his identity in the world, any rule or constraint felt like something I needed to oppose.
The kindness, I immediately embraced it.
Unfortunately, for the wrong reasons.
From my perspective, my father's kindness made him loved, appreciated and welcomed by others. And I wanted that.
So, for many years, I did my best to be kind to others. To the point of compromising my own happiness to make someone else happy. And sometimes, I even went against my values.
At least, it made me feel loved and appreciated. That was the story I was telling myself.
Then, some relationships fell apart. And the pain that ensued opened my eyes. My kindness was not truly serving other people. It was just driven by my desire to feel good. And to feel good, I did my best to make others feel good. As an example, I did my best to avoid tough conversations. As Brené Brown writes in this article, I was good at "feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable)". Now I know that that is unkind.
"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." — Brené Brown.
My father knew who he was and what he wanted. And he loved me so much to be willing to be strict and unyielding to help me grow. So, what I felt as strictness was just another part of his kindness.
Now I know, and I do my best to practice genuine kindness. Old habits are hard to die, so sometimes, I still play the game of pleasing others and calling it kindness.
But I'm getting better.
And luckily for me, I had a great teacher.